Ducks

It’s been a while since the last post about animals, so I thought maybe it was time to talk about ducks.  

SOME DUCKS

Mallard                                                  Eider duck

Teal                                                       King eider duck

Crested merganser duck                        Curious ducks   

 
Crested pekin duck                             Duck à l'orange
 

ROAST DUCK

One of my embryonic vegetarian experiences involved duck. Whenever we had dinner at my grandmother’s house, she would make roast chicken. She would set it in the middle of the table, and my grandfather would carve it up, and he would always ask everyone what part they wanted, even though he knew perfectly well what parts each person always wanted.

And then one day my grandmother roasted a duck. The setting-on-the-table, carving and serving ritual was the same as ever  and the duck even looked like a large chicken. But it was all wrong. This was a duck. Chicken was food – when you ate “chicken,” you weren’t actually eating a chicken; you were just eating food. But duck was different. Ducks were the birds that swam in ponds and said “quack”. They weren’t food.

And suddenly the carcass on the table even looked different. It no longer looked like an oversized roast chicken – it looked like an animal that had had its head and feet chopped off and its feathers pulled out. I ate it, but it was definitely a turning point in my dietary career. 

FEEDING THE DUCKS AT THE PARK

Do you remember those trips to the park when you were little, when you threw bread crusts at the ducks? Well, it turns out that you shouldn't have done that. You should have given them:

• Berries, fruit and nuts
• Grass and weeds
• Seeds and grain
• Algae
• Insects
• Snails and worms
• Frogs, salamanders and other amphibians

 

But don't worry too much about it. If you didn't kill them with your bread, chances are they would be dead by now anyway. They might have been eaten by a fox, got stuck in frozen water over the winter, or been killed by somebody else's bread crusts. 

Ducks are reminded that they are forbidden to eat bread.

IMPRINTING

When a duckling hatches, it imprints on the first large moving object that it sees (provided that it sees something suitable within the first 24-48 hours after hatching), and follows it around like a shadow after that. In most cases, it imprints on its mother, but if the mother isn't around, then the imprinting  phenomenon can go delightfully off the rails, as below: 

A STORY ABOUT A DUCK

A duck walked into a bar.

“Good day,” it said to the barman. “I would like some duck food, please.”

“Duck food?” replied the barman. “You’re in the wrong place, I’m afraid. This is a bar.”

“Oh!” said the duck. “I do beg your pardon. Goodbye.”

And off it waddled.

The next day, it was back.

“Good day,” it said. “May I have some duck food?”

“I told you yesterday,” replied the barman, “we don’t have duck food.”

So the duck toddled off again.

This scene was repeated every day for a week, until one day: 

“Good afternoon, barman. A portion of your finest duck food, please.”

“That’s enough!” exploded the barman. “If you come back here one more time asking for duck food, I’ll nail your feet to the floor!”

The duck raised its eyebrows in alarm and waddled off, looking perturbed.

The next day, in it came again.

“Um, hello,” it said. “Could I have some nails, please?”

“What does this look like – a hardware store?” scoffed the barman. “We don’t have any nails here.”

“In that case,” replied the duck, “I’d like some duck food, please.”

THE DUCKING MAN

Two men walk into a bar. The third man, following them, ducks. Why does he duck?

Answer: So that he doesn’t walk into the bar.

A BRIEF FORAY INTO THE FOREST

How do elephants hide in the forest?

They paint their toenails red and hide in cherry trees.

How do they get up the trees?

They sit on a sapling and wait for it to grow.

How do they get down again?

They sit on a leave and wait for autumn.

Why do crocodiles have flat backs? 

Because they go around in forests in the autumn.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big feet?

To stamp out flaming ducks.

A BRIEF FORAY INTO DAISY-DOTTED MEADOWS
Two cows were standing in a meadow, eating daisies. 
"You know," said one of the cows, "I'm terribly concerned about catching foot-and-mouth disease."
"Heh," snorted the other cow. "I don't have to worry. I'm a duck."

THE DUCK
by Ogden Nash

Frequently used as a reference by taxonomists.

Behold the duck
It does not cluck. 

A cluck it lacks.
It quacks.
It is specially fond.
Of a puddle or pond.
When it dines or sups,
It bottoms ups.

THE MANLET: A POEM BY LEWIS CARROLL

Lewis Carroll didn’t just write Alice in Wonderland. He also wrote a remarkable collection of essays, short stories and poetry. This is one of his masterpieces:

In stature the Manlet was dwarfish--

No burly, big Blunderbore he;

And he wearily gazed on the crawfish

His Wifelet had dressed for his tea.

"Now reach me, sweet Atom, my gunlet,

And hurl the old shoelet for luck;

Let me hie to the bank of the runlet,

And shoot thee a Duck!"

She has reached him his minikin gunlet;

She has hurled the old shoelet for luck;

She is busily baking a bunlet,

To welcome him home with his Duck.

On he speeds, never wasting a wordlet,

Though thoughtlets cling, closely as wax,

To the spot where the beautiful birdlet

So quietly quacks.

Where the Lobsterlet lurks, and the Crablet

So slowly and sleepily crawls;

Where the Dolphin's at home, and the Dablet

Pays long, ceremonious calls;

Where the Grublet is sought by the Froglet;

Where the Frog is pursued by the Duck;

Where the Ducklet is chased by the Doglet--

So runs the world's luck!

He has loaded with bullet and powder;

His footfall is noiseless as air;

But the Voices grow louder and louder,

And bellow and bluster and blare.

They bristle before him and after,

They flutter above and below,

Shrill shriekings of lubberly laughter,

Weird wailings of woe!

They echo without him, within him;

They thrill through his whiskers and beard;

Like a teetotum seeming to spin him,

With sneers never hitherto sneered.

"Avengement," they cry, "on our Foelet!

Let the Manikin weep for our wrongs!

Let us drench him, from toplet to toelet,

With Nursery Songs!

"He shall muse upon 'Hey! Diddle! Diddle!'

On the Cow that surmounted the Moon;

He shall rave of the Cat and the Fiddle,

And the Dish that eloped with the Spoon;

And his soul shall be sad for the Spider,

When Miss Muffet was sipping her whey,

That so tenderly sat down beside her,

And scared her away!

"The music of Midsummer madness

Shall sting him with many a bite,

Till, in rapture of rollicking sadness,

He shall groan with a gloomy delight;

He shall swathe him, like mists of the morning,

In platitudes luscious and limp,

Such as deck, with a deathless adorning,

The Song of the Shrimp!

"When the Ducklet's dark doom is decided,

We will trundle him home in a trice;

And the banquet, so plainly provided,

Shall round into rose-buds and rice;

In a blaze of pragmatic invention

He shall wrestle with Fate, and shall reign;

But he has not a friend fit to mention,

So hit him again!"

He has shot it, the delicate darling!

And the Voices have ceased from their strife;

Not a whisper of sneering or snarling,

As he carries it home to his wife;

Then, cheerily champing the bunlet

His spouse was so skilful to bake,

He hies him once more to the runlet

To fetch her the Drake!

DUCK LANGUAGES

One of my first French lessons at school was “À la ferme,” where we learned the names of various animals, where they were standing, and what noise they made.

“Le chat est sur le mur. Le chat fait ‘miao!’ ”

“La vache est derrière l’arbre. La vache fait ‘meuh! ”

“Le canard est dans l’eau. Le canard fait ‘coin coin!”

And there you have it. French ducks don’t say “quack” – they say “coin”. So you won’t be surprised to hear that ducks speak other languages too. My favourite is Swedish .

Afrikaans	: kwak-kwak.
Albanian	: mak mak.
Arabic (Algeria)	: couak couak.
Bengali	: gack-gack.
Catalan	: cuac, cuac.
Chinese (Mandarin)	: gua gua.
Croatian	: kva-kva.
Danish	: rap.
Dutch	: kwak kwak.
English	: quack quack.
Esperanto	: gik-gak.
Estonian	: prääks prääks.
Finnish	: kvaak kvaak.
French	: coin coin.
German	: quack, quack.
Hebrew	: ga ga ga.
Hungarian	: háp-háp.
Italian	: qua qua.
Japanese	: gaagaa.
Korean	: kkoyk-kkoyk.
Norwegian	: kvakk-kvakk.
Polish	: kwa kwa.
Portuguese (Portugal)	: qua qua qua.
Portuguese (Brazil)	: quá quá.
Russian	: krya-krya.
Slovene	: ga-ga.
Spanish (Spain)	: cuá cuá.
Spanish (Argentina)	: cuac cuac.
Swedish	: kvack.
Thai	: gaab gaab (with falling tone).
Turkish	: vak, vak.
Ukrainian	: krya-krya.
Vietnamese	: quak-quak.

SOME GRATUITOUS CUTE DUCKLINGS