Conversations

There is no one I admire so much as a good conversationalist, particularly the type who specialises in one-way conversations. I have spent entire afternoons sitting, chin on hand, watching and listening in fascination as these gifted people hold forth on anything and everything, barely needing a word or even a nod to encourage them.

It took me many years to develop conversational skills myself, and I have always been in awe of people to whom they seem to come naturally. For a substantial part of my life, I saw speaking as a tool – I spoke if I needed to solve a problem, get something done, or make somebody aware of something. I was aware that discourse served a social-grooming purpose too, but I wasn’t quite sure of the mechanics involved. When I finally became aware of the value of conversational skills and decided I needed to start working on them, I would watch people chatting and constantly ask myself, “What are they talking about?”

Well, with time and practice, I developed these social-grooming skills, so I finally feel I have some sort of insight into people’s ability to make conversation, but I am still intrigued to know what they find to talk about.

So I took it upon myself to go around eavesdropping on conversations, and I would like to share my discoveries with you:

BINS IN THE CITY CENTRE

“There are no bins in the square anymore. Too risky, apparently.”

ANNOYING PEOPLE ON THE PAVEMENT

“Or when the pavement is only wide enough for two people, and there are two people walking side by side on the pavement, and they refuse to go into single file to let you go past. So you have to walk into the road, just so they can walk two abreast.”

“Yes, or when couples are holding hands and refuse to let go to go round you. So they lift their hands and you have to walk under them.”

SHOUTING AT YOUR COFFEE

“Do you know how long you would have to shout at your coffee to heat it up to drinking temperature? I’ll give you multiple choice: A year and a half, ten years, or a hundred years. It would take a year and a half. I heard it on the radio, and nearly fell off my seat.”

ACCIDENTALLY SYRINGED

"He was working in a hospital, and he fell, carrying a box of syringes. One of the needles pierced his hand. When that happens, you go and get tested immediately, and you can find out pretty much straight away if you’ve picked anything up, then you get given a massive dose of antibodies."

SCOTTISH ATTIRE

"And they finally found a Scotsman to show them exactly what a Scotsman wears under his kilt. But there’s a technique to showing, you see. You carefully lift the kilt up at the side."

HOT FOOD ON THE COACH

"You can’t take those chips onto the coach. No hot food! No, you must eat them now, or throw them away. … Oh. Well why do you say chips if you mean crisps?"

HOW TO GET A JOB

"This guy arrived one morning, and announced that we had offered him a job. Nobody remembered interviewing him, and the receptionist didn’t know what to do with him, so she sent him for training, and now he’s doing the same job as me. We reckoned, if someone has the guts to do that, he’s probably worth having in the company."

JACK OF ALL TRADES

"Because someone who knows how to do lots of things doesn’t know how to do any of them well."

WHAT AN INTERESTING LIFE YOU’VE HAD!

"Wow. You should write a book about your life."

"No – I’m going to make a Bollywood movie. I’ve already chosen the opening music. I put it on in my car every morning, and then I exceed the speed limit."

OLD MAN RUNNING ON THE TREADMILL

"He’s been about to fall off the treadmill for the last two years. That’s just how he runs."

EVENING ACTIVITIES

"No tennis for me this evening! If I arrive by surprise, I arrive by surprise."

WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT

"So I punched his lights out."

READING COMPREHENSION IN THE EFL CLASSROOM

"And then you have to teach things like 'plough a field'.  Yeah, it’s about some kids who go into the country to dig a ditch, so you have to teach 'dig a ditch'. Then one of them gets hit over the head with a spade and they think he’s dead, so they bury him. They probably think that’s what English people do."

SAFARI HOLIDAY

"We saw a baby elephant that had just been born. The mother covered the afterbirth so it wouldn’t attract predators. She was all covered in blood."

[Listener looks in a forlorn manner at the banana he has been eating] "Oh. I was really enjoying this banana."

LEAPING

"They leap. If there’s a predator chasing them, they confuse it by leaping into the air and throwing their legs out."

AN UPCOMING TRIP TO THE BARBER

"He’ll ask you what you want."

"No, he won’t. His brother cut off two of his fingers, you know. The barber just came storming in, slagging him off, going, 'My stupid brother! Chopped off two fingers! And I had to go to the hospital, and my mother had to come up…' "

ODD PASSPORT

"Let’s see your passport. Hey – you’ve got an 11-year passport! Look at this! Yeah, I just looked at it and I thought, 'There’s something odd about this passport.' "

AND THE PRICELESS…

"I’m f***ing on the way!"

If you have heard any particularly noteworthy snippets of conversation recently, I would be delighted to hear about them.